Trick or TreatTap, tap, tap…is this thing still on?

Maybe not, but that’s okay. I posted over here today.

 

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WritingSometimes sadness gives way to success, if you want to call it that. I can think of several gals who, after experiencing or currently experiencing really super hard things, started writing about it and became internet-famous. I remember praying once that I would be okay with a lifetime of mediocre blogging if it meant I didn’t have to experience the things those gals have had to. Because I’m super deep like that.

As it turns out, I have nothing to worry about. For me, sadness simply gives way. It dries me up. It takes me to a dark, lonely place where, even if there are people out there who understand and maybe want to walk me through it, I simply do not want to go there and thus I don’t.

I just looked back at my blog. The last post was April 8 and the post before that January 28. Prior to this year, it could be said I spent too much time on my blog. And now: nothing.

January ushered in a six-week period of hell in my heart. Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis is just such a terrible thing and no words can adequately describe how it feels to watch someone you love experience the devastation of that. When my mom died in February, I knew it was coming, so I felt like I should have been a little more prepared. People lose their parents every day, right? But I don’t. I hadn’t. And then suddenly I did and in truth, I wasn’t ready for it and I’m still angry about it. And it’s been almost six months. So six months shouldn’t still be preventing someone from writing about it, talking about it, crying about it, right? But there is a place deep inside me that feels like I used up all of my grief capital with people ages ago and I should really move on now.

Likewise, our foster care story turned the page into a really sad chapter in February as well. And as it happened during the same month of caring for my mom during her last days, we just closed the foster care book for a while. For almost six months.

Next week we open it back up again and add two babies to the chaos of our lives and I must say, it doesn’t feel nearly as romantic as it did the first time we welcomed a new child into our home for a short stay. Our experiences with the system have tainted me, frightened me, and made me second-guess our involvement altogether.

And yet, here we go. Life is just incessant in its constant ready-or-not-here-I-come railroading of my existence.

But then, what would it be if we just stayed in the same place forever?

I imagine…it would be death.

 

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I feel like I owe the internet an apology

April 8, 2014

It’s easy to write review posts about inconsequential things because those posts require no feeling. Maybe a little thinking, mostly just retelling. No feeling. 2014 has been a hard year and I’ve discovered this about myself: While I don’t mind oversharing with the world at large about our propensity towards all things that simplify our […]

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A dark and broken place

January 28, 2014

There’s a McDonalds I come to on Tuesday nights. I spend $1.08 and get a drink, sometimes tea, sometimes Coke. Sometimes I just get water. Once I ordered nothing at all. I sit here for 75 minutes while the girls are nearby attending choir. There is free wifi here and lots of fodder for the […]

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January 25: Upward Basketball

January 25, 2014

Today marked week 2 of Upward Basketball games for A5 and R4 and also the day we started thinking that perhaps R4 is better suited for the cheerleading squad than the basketball team… *ahem* 25/365

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January 10: Happy Birthday, Mom

January 10, 2014

My mom turned 67 today and we celebrated by invading her space with 8 additional people and being present with her for the evening. I’m thankful to be able to celebrate with her today. I made French Mousse for her birthday because she really can’t handle breads and cakes anymore. I’m here to tell you, […]

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January 9: My Katie

January 9, 2014

We needed a photo of Katie for a school project and discovered an appalling lack of single shots of Katie in my iPhoto. I must remedy this at once. 9/365

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January 8: Needy Dog

January 8, 2014

Not sure what her deal was today, but Peaches was one needy dog. She just hung out in the girls’ room most of the day on their bed watching them doing school work and mentally begging them to hold her. 8/365

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January 4: No Longer a Nail Biter

January 4, 2014

Confession: I’ve been a chronic nail biter since I was about 11 or 12. I’ve had very small periods of success of not biting my nails but they’ve usually lasted only two weeks or so. I haven’t bitten my nails in six weeks so far since I started wearing Jamberry Nail Wraps and this is […]

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January 3: Packing It Up

January 3, 2014

We started packing it all away today. It’s a slow process for me this year. In the past I’ve pretty much been ready by about December 28, but this year it’s January 3 and we just barely got started. We still have the tree to do. I’m not sure what my deal is. There’s something […]

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