Sympathy RosesIt’s easy to write review posts about inconsequential things because those posts require no feeling. Maybe a little thinking, mostly just retelling. No feeling.

2014 has been a hard year and I’ve discovered this about myself: While I don’t mind oversharing with the world at large about our propensity towards all things that simplify our lives or how I talk to myself in the grocery story, or how I often look for my phone around the house…while I’m talking on it…I don’t necessarily just jump right in and share when I’m feeling like crap because it’s been a crappy year.

I did go ahead and share some feelings over here at our church blog a few weeks ago.

And that’s about all I’ve got for now. I keep trying to make myself come here and write something, but there just doesn’t seem to be anything worth saying that doesn’t cause me to cry.

Maybe later.

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dark and brokenThere’s a McDonalds I come to on Tuesday nights. I spend $1.08 and get a drink, sometimes tea, sometimes Coke. Sometimes I just get water. Once I ordered nothing at all. I sit here for 75 minutes while the girls are nearby attending choir. There is free wifi here and lots of fodder for the people are broken file. Last week I watched four teenagers eat burgers while two of them pawed each other the entire time and I wondered if they had parents or if their parents cared or if I would one day be foster parenting their not-yet-baby. Tonight there is a couple nearby. She’s crying. He’s yelling. Their toddler baby is wandering close by and their kindergarten age boy is climbing on the play place. I hear DUI and I hear you don’t care and I hear pain. A lot of pain.

On Sunday night Maddie and I stopped at another McDonalds on the turnpike. The options between Oklahoma City and Tulsa are pretty limited when you need gasoline and are hungry. We went in and as we were finishing up we saw a 40-something cowboy come in with a 10-something boy. The man hugged the boy. He hugged him again and again. And the boy was crying. And the boy walked across the restaurant towards the other door where his mother was waiting for him. And he held out his hand to his dad and waved one more time. And the dad held back tears and waved back and then turned around and walked out the door he came in.

And I broke down in tears right there in the McDonalds. Much like I’m about to do right now. Because there is so much that is dark and broken in this world I can hardly breathe.

I went to Owasso this weekend to file some will and trust parents at the county courthouse for my parents. It was the final step in what turned into six month process of me trying to help them get their legal lives in order. I mediated some tension between my dad and the hospice nurse who came out for the first time. Having hospice step into the story was not an easy move for my parents. It is a necessary one, but necessary does not equal easy.  And I watched my mom. And it was hard.

And I’ve been so quiet about the boys lately because they have grown right into my heart and their story is my story and when their story takes a turn next month it’s going to rip a hole right through me.

And there is so much that is dark and broken in this world I can barely breathe.

I can’t pray. I can’t talk. I can’t think. I can only cry.

And I have to hope that God hears my tears and translates them into the prayer I mean them to be.

Because there is just so much that is dark and broken in this world I can hardly breathe.

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January 25: Upward Basketball

January 25, 2014

Today marked week 2 of Upward Basketball games for A5 and R4 and also the day we started thinking that perhaps R4 is better suited for the cheerleading squad than the basketball team… *ahem* 25/365

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January 10: Happy Birthday, Mom

January 10, 2014

My mom turned 67 today and we celebrated by invading her space with 8 additional people and being present with her for the evening. I’m thankful to be able to celebrate with her today. I made French Mousse for her birthday because she really can’t handle breads and cakes anymore. I’m here to tell you, […]

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January 9: My Katie

January 9, 2014

We needed a photo of Katie for a school project and discovered an appalling lack of single shots of Katie in my iPhoto. I must remedy this at once. 9/365

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January 8: Needy Dog

January 8, 2014

Not sure what her deal was today, but Peaches was one needy dog. She just hung out in the girls’ room most of the day on their bed watching them doing school work and mentally begging them to hold her. 8/365

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January 4: No Longer a Nail Biter

January 4, 2014

Confession: I’ve been a chronic nail biter since I was about 11 or 12. I’ve had very small periods of success of not biting my nails but they’ve usually lasted only two weeks or so. I haven’t bitten my nails in six weeks so far since I started wearing Jamberry Nail Wraps and this is […]

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January 3: Packing It Up

January 3, 2014

We started packing it all away today. It’s a slow process for me this year. In the past I’ve pretty much been ready by about December 28, but this year it’s January 3 and we just barely got started. We still have the tree to do. I’m not sure what my deal is. There’s something […]

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January 2: Saving Mr. Banks

January 2, 2014

“That’s what storytellers do. We restore order with imagination. We instill hope again and again.” (Tom Hanks as Walt Disney in Saving Mr. Banks) I took the girls to see Saving Mr. Banks earlier today and I’m still savoring it. It was seriously such a good movie and I’m thinking about going to see it […]

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January 1: Immanuel, God With Us

January 1, 2014

Craig passed out Bible reading plans to all of us at dinner tonight and suggested our family make a solid attempt at reading through it at the same pace. I know I’ve been needing to do this again, but there was just something about the gentle appeal in his eyes as he passed it out […]

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