Masked Life

It’s no secret to people who know me that my last year has been a hard one. And I was sincerely hoping that one year after burying my mom that, not that I wouldn’t still be grieving, but that things would at least be looking a little less bleak. But my husband lost his job earlier this year and the process of unpacking that has been painful….to put it politely.

For a writer who isn’t writing, and to now be in a situation in which I’m not at liberty to wrestle out loud, I’ve been stuck for a long time. We were lying in bed one night and I was just sobbing. I finally composed myself and said, “I just can’t decide which is worse right now: watching my mom die from ALS, sincerely thinking that Child Protective Services was going to come to our home and remove our own children after being falsely accused of some things by a birth mom, or being completely blindsided by people we previously trusted, as we were in January.

Craig looked at me and said, “Megan. You can’t rank those things. They are all bad. They are all so terribly bad. The only thing we can do right now is control our response to them.”

And I know he’s right, but honestly…when you’ve been so badly treated by people, the only initial response is anger. It’s like I’m grieving another death in my life. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t believe it. Now I have to believe it, but I don’t want to believe it, but I am believing it and I’m so hurt because the people who hurt us are people who know better.

I’ve been sporadically seeing a counselor this year. I think I’ve gone to her three or four times now. Even she said to me after a few meetings that she wasn’t sure I needed to come. She said something to the effect of, “You’re processing all of this well, it’s just that you keep getting more and more really bad things thrown at you to process.” Indeed.

So here we are, with our Oklahoma chapter coming to a close. We still have two foster boys who were supposed to go back to their parents last week but now can’t and so they are still with us and will be until we move, at which point we will have to hand them over to another family which will be another loss that we have no control over. Here we are managing yard sales and packing and cleaning and house prepping and getting ready to start one of the processes I hate more than almost any other one: showing and selling a house. #StickAForkInMyEyePlease

I’m not sure about the blog. I pretty much gave it up this year and I may still do that even now. The things I need to write…the things I need to communicate…and the people with which I want to communicate with…are all off limits.

It’s a masked life and I don’t do fluff and rainbows very well.

Instead, I bury myself in the psalms and I continue to cry and pray and put my head down and push through it. God, please bring us through to the other side in one piece.

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple…Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation!” ~Psalm 27: 4, 7-9

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1 year old birthdayI have a super cute picture of J1 I took tonight that I really wish I could post here, but alas, rules and all that. We have a long history of anti-climactic first birthdays for our babies and Baby J was no different. Most of our day was spent in trying to help Millie feel better as she is super super duper sick right now. Still, I ran into Walmart to attempt to get her prescriptions and came out with two toys, a card, a balloon, and a cake.

I’m all about the photo opp and we’ll give them to his birth mom and call it a party.

December Photo Project

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December 2: Fried Pork Chops

December 2, 2014

At the end of a busy, goofy, overloaded day, the Pioneer Woman’s got nothing on my mom’s fried pork chops. Fast, easy, and super tasty. I don’t make them often, but when I do, I think, “Gee…I should make these more.” December Photo Project

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December 1: Trucks and Trains

December 1, 2014

When we stepped back into the world of foster care this year it was as though the gods of foster care placement looked down on us and laughed. “Two boys,” they said. “I think they need two more boys. And let’s make them babies this time.” When they came to us they were A21-months and […]

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Fostering Expectations

November 11, 2014

Tap, tap, tap…is this thing still on? Maybe not, but that’s okay. I posted over here today.  

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Stepping Back into a Scary Place

August 7, 2014

Sometimes sadness gives way to success, if you want to call it that. I can think of several gals who, after experiencing or currently experiencing really super hard things, started writing about it and became internet-famous. I remember praying once that I would be okay with a lifetime of mediocre blogging if it meant I […]

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I feel like I owe the internet an apology

April 8, 2014

It’s easy to write review posts about inconsequential things because those posts require no feeling. Maybe a little thinking, mostly just retelling. No feeling. 2014 has been a hard year and I’ve discovered this about myself: While I don’t mind oversharing with the world at large about our propensity towards all things that simplify our […]

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A dark and broken place

January 28, 2014

There’s a McDonalds I come to on Tuesday nights. I spend $1.08 and get a drink, sometimes tea, sometimes Coke. Sometimes I just get water. Once I ordered nothing at all. I sit here for 75 minutes while the girls are nearby attending choir. There is free wifi here and lots of fodder for the […]

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January 25: Upward Basketball

January 25, 2014

Today marked week 2 of Upward Basketball games for A5 and R4 and also the day we started thinking that perhaps R4 is better suited for the cheerleading squad than the basketball team… *ahem* 25/365

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January 10: Happy Birthday, Mom

January 10, 2014

My mom turned 67 today and we celebrated by invading her space with 8 additional people and being present with her for the evening. I’m thankful to be able to celebrate with her today. I made French Mousse for her birthday because she really can’t handle breads and cakes anymore. I’m here to tell you, […]

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